Mindfulness

Yesterday, I was at continuity clinic in the afternoon. Clinic can be really fun... it's a break from the hustle and bustle of the wards and I can slow down and get to know patients that I'll be following for the next couple of years. The change of pace is quite welcoming :)

I haven't had my continuity clinic as much as my fellow interns because of scheduling reasons, so I'm still getting used to how it works and really just how to be a general pediatrician. I'm also slowly getting used to the nurses who work there. Yesterday, things were slow for me... many of my patients were no-shows, and so I was helping out my co-interns see their patients.

I was waiting around in the conference room when I heard one of the nurses say, "Ok, we'll have to call the Spanish interpreter..." I got up and offered to see the patient since I can do decently well with my Spanish. The nurses were appreciative and it felt good to help out even in this small way that wasn't a big deal to me.

After I saw the patient (a cute lil 3 week old), I started shooting the shit with the nurses... It was the first time in 2+ months of residency that I made an effort to hang out and get to know the nurses. They were so much fun... and I being my goofy self, which was fun. I could tell that they were excited that I was revealing my non-official self to them. Then two things happened. One of the nurses motioned to me, "Hey Dr. Rao, come here for a sec..." I walked over to where she was standing. "You know Dr. Rao, I have to confess." I was worried when she said this. Starting a story in this manner is NEVER good. "When I first saw you, I thought to myself, 'Man, this resident looks really mean.'"

I burst out laughing when she said this and the other nurses joined in with me. I would say I know myself pretty well and I really try hard and make eye contact with even strangers I pass by in the hall and smile and say hi. And when I'm being myself, I usually have a goofy grin planted on my face. How could this nurse think I looked mean? It dawned on me that thus far while working, I probably have looked super serious, focused and haven't paid attention to much other than trying to get my work done and trying to look like I knew what I was doing. It is definitely quite possible that I had been mean and inconsiderate of the nurses I was working with.

This particular nurse who originally thought was I mean was chuckling when she told me this, as if to say that she now realized how crazy this original thought was. We all had a good laugh.

The second interesting/nice moment that happened was that before I left, one of the nurses, Faye, approached me and said, "Dr. Rao, great job today!" And then she gave me a great big hug. "You helped us out a lot!" I was grateful for the genuine hug and human touch, knowing that I really hadn't done a whole lot other than make the effort to get to know the nurses.

I think I'll always remember this, even though it's such a small moment in the grand scheme of things. It just reminds me to be mindful of those around me, and even though residency is tough to say the very least and I'm slowly getting used to having chronic feelings of inadequacy (I feel like I'm getting my butt kicked at times now that I'm on the general wards and running around without a clue as to what's going on), there are others around me who are trying to work with me in helping care for the patients.