More than halfway

It's Sunday afternoon, and I'm checking my schedule online. After this week, there are only 5 more rotations before I become a second year resident. I remember checking my schedule online at the very beginning of intern year, wondering how time would pass, wondering what I would be feeling as I moved closer to the end of the first year.

And now I'm here, over halfway through, feeling mixed emotions.

I know I have gained confidence in my abilities. I can carry a heavy patient load. I can assess as to whether a child needs immediate care or not. I know I can handle working nights. I know I can use what little time off I do have to take care of myself. I know I can make time for the important things in my life such as friends, family, music and the spiritual side of me.

Even though all of this is true, there are many many moments of self-doubt and even envy. There are so many times that I wish I was smarter. I wish I had thought of things sooner that my upper level or attending brings up on rounds. I wish I had more time to read when I have time off. There are even times I doubt my choice of profession. And I envy others with things that I don't have, like those who have that special someone in their lives who will never leave them and stick with them even during these tough times. Those who have different professions that allow them to have weekends off (I CANNOT for the life of me imagine a life with weekends off!).

Sometimes I wonder how it is that at this more-than-halfway-through mark, that I'm not more competent that I am. Have I really learned anything at all in 7 months?

It does get lonely. Those are the feelings that I hate and dread the most. Those nights on call, when the hospital is more quiet than it is during the day, and you get the call by the nurse and it's a lonely walk up to the 5th floor to assess the child. It's during those times that I wish I had someone to call and talk to.

But I can't stop, and I don't want to stop. I love my job. I love medicine. I love the challenges and the patients and the families. I love the weird presentations and the intellectual quest to figure things out. I love the times when I get to steal chocolate ice cream from 5 East the night I'm on call. I also love working with my collegues who challenge me to do better every day. I love seeing my patients get better and go home. I love making the diagnosis!

I can't stop, and I don't want to stop. Residency hasn't beaten it out of me yet and hopefully never will. There's too much more that I want to learn. And I've got a bit more that I want to show off to the world of medicine.